John's Digital WastelandPoetry--
 

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Thoughts

I am human. I am sentient. I have thoughts. The thoughts come to me unbidden, uncalled, unleashed. They travel through the spectrum of my existance and control how I react, why I react, and my reasoning behind those reactions.

These thoughts do not always seem to be mine. Sometimes they seem to be placed or coerced into place by some entity that is more powerful than I. Is it God putting these thoughts into my head? Is is Satan? Is it a past life? Is it all of them? Or is it just the Inner Me that wishes to get out and explore the world using the Outer Me as a tool.

I've been spending long hours in bed awake, dreaming, thinking, hoping, wishing, crying, and wishing for a touch of hope or a glimmer of beauty. I think upon my love and I smile. Then I think upon the countless hours that I have counted that lie between us. I feel that there is no hope, no chance. That the distance between us will cause my heart, my love, to grow weary from yearning. Tired of stretching.

Then I think of love. What is it? Why is it? I don't know. I have spent days - nay! - years pondering this powerful force. It always overwhelms me. Sometimes it saddens me, other times it takes my spirit soaring through the clouds with happiness and joy. It always baffles me.

I wonder why love is such a powerful weapon. It has a Great Hilt that no mortal hands can ever hope to wrap their tiny, weak hands around, but yet we try. It has two Edges that are sharper, stronger, and more resiliant than anything we will ever hope to create. One Edge of the Blade of Love can cut through anything: evil, hate, strife, anger, lonliness, and more. The other Edge of the Blade of Love can cut through anything as well, but it cuts the other direction. It gently parts and irrevocably damages the heart, mind, soul, happiness, hope, and security.

We try to grasp the hilt of the Blade, but cannot. We try to control it, but we cannot. Sometimes we may be lucky and can get it to move an inch one way, or an inch the other. Never - NEVER I say! - will we ever be able to control it in full. It controls us. We watch the Blade, and hope to embrace it with our heart and soul, and at the same time flee from it for it has horribly wonderous powers.

This brings me to within sight of my destination. Not my final destination by any means, but just the ends of this path that has branched from the road of life. I wonder when my first footstep fell upon this path, but when I look back, I cannot tell for a thick, rolling fog blocks sight of my past. I sigh, and face forward to the end of this path....

Which way will the Blade swing this time? I know that I will be cut in twain. I know that I shall never - Never! - be the same now that I have been thrust into the field of honorable combat against the Blade of Love. I willingly strapped on my armor, donned my shield, and raised up my weapon in salute to the challenge. I stepped into the field with chin held high.

Now that I am here, locked in combat with my heart, my love as the prize, I begind to falter. Have doubts. I wonder if my love will be able to avoid the scathing, desctructive edge of the Blade of Love. I desire to know which edge shall cut me. I know that I shall be struck by the Blade of Love. Perhaps I have already been cut, but I do not feel it yet. Perhaps, someday, I will learn the secrets of the Blade. Perhaps, someday, I will be able to stand on the side of love with the Blade. Perhaps, someday, I will not.

Perhaps.... Someday.... Who can know? God, I suppose, knows, but he's not telling. I pray for the best, and prepare for the worst. Hopefully, doubtfully, I will be ready to handle what leaps at me from the mists of my past, the glare of my future or the bramblethorns of the present.

John Evans
03-18-97